Doctor Who? Shrimpzzzz
by ashandpika
Summary: You really have to read it to believe it...      please R&R so we can improve this, even if you don't like it... but we hope you do!
1. Ooh Shrimp Shrimp

"Oh my God!" Mark was standing on a sink in the bathroom screaming shrilly at no one in particular.

"Mark, what the hell?" Derek came into the bathroom looking slightly puzzled.

"There it is! Look! Look! There!" Derek followed the surgeon's quivering finger as he pointed at the apparent source of his terror.

"…the toilet cubicle?"

"Nooooo! Look! There!" he screamed hysterically and tried to cower against the mirror.

"Mark," Derek said gently. "Come down from there. It is merely the remains of an experiment I performed on Meredith earlier. And yes, she is now half shrimp."

" Oh ok then. Well now would probably be a good time to tell you that I swapped little grey for a pickle with a dodgy looking hobo who lives in my trash can."

Then the shrimp made an angry sound from the sink it was swimming around in.

"What's that, Meredith?" said Derek. " You aren't at all angry? I didn't think you would be." Derek smiled mischievously and turned back to Mark. "You know, she's much more obliging now that she's a sea creature. "

Mark jumped down from his sink and threw his arms around Derek's neck, giggling.

"I wuv woo," he said, his voice muffled by Derek's awesome hair.


	2. The riddle of the cardiothoracic surgeon

Derek allowed himself to breathe in the sweet sense of Mark's herbal essences shampoo before pushing him away.  
"Mark, have you been helping yourself to laughing gas again?"

"NEIN!" he screeched like an ostrich. "actually yeah. Sorry."

Suddenly Alex rushed into the bathroom, brandishing a bread knife. "Dr Sloan! WE've been paging you! Our head of cardiothoracic surgery has just caught necrotizing faciitis and we've been forced to operate using kitchen utensils because she swallowed all of our surgical instruments! We need you to operate NOW!"

"Umm, I don't really think he can operate right now…" began Derek, but he was interrupted by Alex.

"Come on!" he screamed, grabbing marks hair and yanking him out of the room. "WE NEED YOU NOW!"


	3. Peanuts make Sexy Time?

Mark followed Alex loopily out of the bathroom and into the little sinky room. As he was splashing around in the warm water, Izzy rushed in, looking excited.

"Alex! Alex! You have to come and see this – it's so fricking awesome!" she grabbed his arm and began hauling him away from the OR.

"But Iz, I'm about to scrub in on a surgery-"

"Mark can do it by himself. Come on, I need to show you!" she pulled him through the door and towed him down the corridor to the on-call room.

"Sex?"

"No, peanuts!" Izzy pulled off the sheet covering a large contraption in the middle of the room. On the side, in large writing, it said "PeanutDestructonator 5000". "I'm reeeeeeaaaaaly allergic to peanuts, so I thought, aha! I shall build a machine to destroy peanuts! And I did. Look, let's try it out!" she picked up a nearby peanut with a pair of barbecue tongs and positioned it in front of an enormous laser, and pressed a few buttons. A loud whirring noise filled the small room, followed by a bright flash of light and a scream.

As the smoke cleared, Izzy looked around.

"Alex? Alex? Where are you?"

"Down here!"

She looked down.

"Oh noes! You've been transformed into a sexy peanut wearing a very small red beret! The machine must have backfired! And now I'm allergic to you so we can't have sexy time!"

"Boo hoo," cried the small peanut. "No more sexy time!"


	4. McHorsie and McDead

WARNING- this chapter contains a brief drug reference

Mark finished reattaching the baby's arm and promptly popped a few dozen ecstasy pills. Barking happily, he galloped off in search of Derek.

'Mayhaps he is still with the newly shrimpified Meredith!' he thought to himself as he cantered towards the bathroom.

But when he opened the door, he was aghast. For lying on the floor, covered I a tiger onesie, an eyepatch and lots of blood, was Derek's corpse. McSteamy burst into uncontrollable sobs and fell to the ground.

"DEREK? DEREK? He checked the pulse- which was nonexistent- and thrust his tear stained face into Derek's hair.

"Dear God, I'll miss this smell. WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME, DEREK?" he shook Derek's lifeless shoulders and heard a sickening crunch as his head snapped back.

'Oops' he thought, feeling like a silly sausage.

" DO NOT FEAR, DEAD DEREK! I SHALL AVENGE YOUR DEATH! I WILL FIND THE MURDERER, EVEN IF IT TAKES ME ALL AFTERNOON!"


	5. Oh, oh, I am full of woe

Mark moonwalked sadly down the corridor and bumped into Christina.  
"yo," he cried in a melancholy voice. "Guess who just died?"

"Your mum," replied Christina, before hurrying in the on-call room, exclaiming, "Can't to stay to talk, I have to have sex now!". Mark collapsed to the floor, the tears streaming down his face as he remembered that Derek was dead.

"Umm…" Owen walked up to him. "Are you okay?"

"Is mayonnaise and instrument?" Mark sobbed, clutching at Owen's ankle.

"No, Mark, mayonnaise is not an instrument."

"Oh." Mark curled up into a tiny ball. "I make a sadly, because Mark makes a deadly."

"Then we've got a mystery to solve!" ezclaimed Owen, pulling on a white jumper and a red scarf and dying his hair blonde. "Scooby, go and look for clues," he instructed the brown, blotchy dog who was sniffing around the hospital floor.

"I'll find some roast chicken to help the investigation along!" yelled McSteamy, leaping up and dashing off in the direction of the women's toilets.

Christina lay on the bed in the on-call room, running through today's heart surgery in her head. Suddenly, the door opened and someone walked in.

"Christina," a sultry voice spoke in the darkness. "I… I have to have you. Now. Let's have sex!"

"….Derek?"


	6. Gary? Who's Gary?

"Yes," replied the voice from the darkness, "It is I, your big Derek pie!"

Christina was slightly confused, but as Owen had failed to appear she decided that she might as well remove the rest of her clothes.

"Actually," hollered Derek, "I must away. TO THE BATMOBILE!"

Christina sat in the darkness, feeling slightly bemused, before leaping into the air, forward rolling out of the on call room and setting off in search of Owen, wearing nothing but mismatched socks.

Meanwhile, peanut Alex had decided to go in search of shelter.

"I KNOW!" he exclaimed in a somewhat peanuty manner. "I WILL CLIMB INTO MCSSTEAMY'S POCKET WITH MY LITTLE PEANUT LEGS SO THAT I CAN FOLLOW HIS JOURNEYS THROUGH TIME AND SPACE!"

With that, the peanut hopped happily off and was soon hidden safely in Marky Warky's pockey, like a small lemur being laid to rest in a hand-knitted scarf.

Izzy, meanwhile, was freaking out because her PeanutDestructonator 5000 had failed. She kicked it and poured some diet coke over it and it magically transformed into a friendly unicorn called Gary.

"DO NOT VORRY!" screeched Gary in a Swedish accent. "I vill change your lovely Alex back into a man again!"

Izzy climbed aboard, stroking Gary's rainbow coloured mane lovingly, and the two of them rode bravely through the hospital, like Ash riding his dear Pikachu.


	7. I saw it in the movies

"Gimme a whiskey, ginger ale on the side. And don't be stingy, baby." Demanded Christina, walking into the pub, naked.

"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Well, who the hell else are you talkin' to? You talkin' to me? Well, I'm the only one here. Who the f**k do you think you're talkin' to?" yelled Joe, slamming the glass he was cleaning on the table angrily, wiping a tear from his eye. Christina punched him in the face.

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." Christina said, and marched out, climbed back into her car and drove back to the hospital.

"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine." Sighed Joe, covering his face with his hands and bursting into tears.

"Let's split up, gang!" Exclaimed Owen, leading some interns into the OR. "I'm sure it would help if we could find another clue!" the interns wandered off aimlessly and got stuck in a rotating door.

"I need you now tonight! And I need you more than ever!" some random doctor rushed in and grabbed Owen's arm, yanking him back to a young patient's room, where her mother was standing, fretting incessantly.

"My daughter is in pain...Give my daughter the shot!" she threw herself at Owens feet and and grabbed his ankles, howling.

"Would you be shocked if I put on something more comfortable?" he replied quickly, backing out the room, adding in a German accent, "I'll be back!"

"Say hello to my little friend!" demanded McSteamy joyfully, producing the sexy Alexnut from his pocket.

"Yo," said the Alexnut.

""When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome. Then, of course, you spoke." Sobbed the woman, exceedingly disillusioned.


	8. PRAISE BE TO ALEXNUT

Mark hopped back to the hospital on his left leg while Alexnut sang twinkle twinkle little star from his pocket. (He was very excited because he had just realised that it had the same tune as the alphabet song). Mark quickly ran to the OR, stopping only once to steal a bed sheet from an elderly patient and put it on like a cape.

"Derek?" he asked, confused, as a Dereklike figure scrubbed in ready for a lobotomy on a middle aged turkey. Mark edged into the room, his eyes wide and a huge smile on his face. He looked like a child on Christmas morning. He ran up to Derek rugby tackled him to the floor and thrust his face into Derek's awesome hair.

As soon as he sniffed, he knew something was wrong.

"I do declare that this hair smells not of herbal essences, but of sweat!" Angrily, he ripped at the hair and Derek's face fell off!

This revealed a rather peeved Meredith underneath.

"NO!" she screamed, sounding like a garbage disposal. "I"MMMMMMMMMMM !"

Mark eyed her as if she was a particularly smelly foot. "Um….. vot is going on?" he said, his accent becoming Ukrainian for no apparent reason.

"I killed Derek, because he wouldn't buy me a pet elephant and then I decided to dress up as him and perform complex neurosurgery. When you two had the shrimp conversation, I was hiding in the toilet cubicle pointing a bazooka at his head. The shrimp was, in fact, a shrimp. "

Mark's face looked almost as surprised as when he found out that Callie was a werewolf.

"And I would have got away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling doctors!"

Suddenly Alexnut catapulted himself from Mcsteamy's pocket, wielding a very, very small sub machine gun.

"DIE, FOUL WENCH! He roared.


	9. The Battle Hymn of Supersheep

"Snaps for Alexnut!" cried McSteamy, waving a little flag.

"Freeze, sucker!" screamed Alex, brandishing his weapon menacingly.

"WŎ YAO SHA NĬ!" screeched Meredith, wiping away her foundation to reveal that she was actually a Chinese man in disguise and pulling out a pump-action shotgun from hammerspace.

"Rawr!" Owen leaped out of the light fittings in a leopard print thong and sank his teeth into Meredith's neck.

"AAAAAH! WŎ SHÌ ALLERGIC TO VAMPIRES!" and Meredith melted. Suddenly spongebob appeared and died.

"What fun!" sang Mark, prancing around waving his shepherd's crook. "Supersheep is here to save the day!"

"Happy to help, McSteamy!" the glowing radioactive sheep turned around and zoomed out the window. "And always remember, kids, never brush your teeth with sulphuric acid!"


	10. IF ONLY MY CAMEL LIKED FRENCH FRIES!

Cristina burst into the room wearing nothing but a dead ferret wrapped around her neck.

"I have a confession," she whispered, attempting to be seductive but sounding more like an ostrich in a blender, "I am Lord Voldemort."

"ACH NEON!" screeched Owen, who was a great lover of noble gases, as he began to play the recorder with his nose.

"MAGIC?" Shouted Mark, flying into the room on the back of a genetically modified dragonfly. "YOU CAN SAVE DEWEK!" 

Cristina looked at him as if to say 'there is a small purple cat living in your left nostril' and raised her wand.

"UNDEADIFY!" she screeched like a howler monkey with a throat infection. And suddenly Derek appeared. He was alive!

And bright green. He looked like a chicken which had been enjoying a bath in uranium.

Suddenly, Harry Potter nuked the hospital! OH NOES! WHO WILL SURVIVE?

READ NEXT CHAPTER (COMING SOON) TO FIND OUT!


	11. Dearest fertility god, hear my prayer

"Omnomnom!" screamed a small purple elephant on wheels, but nobody liked him so he ran away. Suddenly Mark jumped out of the burning hospital wreckage.

"Never fear! For I am here!" he sang erotically to the tune of _Somewhere_ from West Side Story. When the sudden realisation that Mark was, in fact, Superman dawned on Cristina, she died from a cocaine overdose. Mark was sad then he manned up and got on with it.

"Oh noes, my head asplode," sobbed Derek, who was still green. Suddenly, Owen built a funeral pyre and burned Cristina's corpse as an offering to the god of fertility.

"Rawr," said a dinosaur.

Mark and Derek held hands and skipped gaily over the rubble as if they were dancing a delicate waltz.

"Oh Mark," said Derek.

"Oh Derek," said Mark.

And they both hopped into the Tardis for their honeymoon on planet Beetlejuice.


	12. And a Partridge in a Hyperbaric Chamber

When Derek and Mark arrived back from their honeymoon, they saw someone flying in on a pterodactyl.

"What's that up in the sky? Is it a bird? Is it an aroused raccoon?"

"NO!" squealed Derek, clutching an angry-looking gnome to his chest. "IT'S CHARLIE SHEEN!"

Charlie Sheen, who was wearing an oversized Yoda costume, grinned.

"Hi guys!" He hollered, "I just came to tell you that I think you are absolutely hilarious. I, Charlie Sheen, think that you are very funny. Anyone who says otherwise is completely wrong. Just sayin'."

Mark and Derek looked at each other and simultaneously produced bazookas.

"Thanks for stating the obvious!" they yelled, firing fierce antelopes from their bazookas at Charlie Sheen, who quickly teleported himself into Ron's bathtub.

Then a small purple cat appeared because Zeus told it to. His name was Bartholomew.


	13. How sweet, to be a chameleon

Suddenly, three large birds appeared in the sky with submachine guns.

"Oh no," said a hippie. "Violence sucks," but they ignored him, because he as annoying and he smelled.

"PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD!" they screamed shrilly. Derek put his hands on Mark's head and Mark was sad. "NOW DANCE LIKE A CHICKEN IN A LYCRA FRYING PAN!"

"No," sobbed Owen. "I have to go to Hogwarts," and he died of necrotizing fasciitis.

Suddenly, Ron and Fred appeared. "Hermione! To the batmobile!" he commanded.

"We traded it for a mouldy chicken nugget." Fred reminded him

"Oh yeah." And Ron sat down and was sad.

"DANCE BITCHES! DANCE!" screamed the birds. Suddenly, your mum appeared in a helicopter with a gun.

"!"


End file.
